Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin, John Cleese, Eric Idle - Travel Agent

Текст песни

Paroles de la chanson Travel Agent:
Announcer: And now, here is a magnificent recording
Made in the Wide Valley, of an ordinary travel agents
Office. Note the huge-breasted typist in the
Background
Smoketoomuch: Good morning
Secretary: Oh, good morning. (sexily) Uhm, do you want
To come upstairs?
Smoketoomuch: Beg your pardon?
Secretary: (sexily) Do you want to come upstairs?
(brightly) Oh, or have you come to arrange a holiday?
Smoketoomuch: Uuh. to…to arrange a holiday
Secretary: Oh, sorry
Smoketoomuch: What’s all this about coming upstairs?
Secretary: Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, where were you
Thinking of going?
Smoketoomuch: India
Secretary: Ah, one of our adventure holidays
Smoketoomuch: Yes
Secretary: Well, you’d better see Mr. Bounder about
That. Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in
The «India Overland»
Bounder: Morning, I’m Bounder of Adventure
Smoketoomuch: Hello, I’m Smoketoomuch
Bounder: Well, you’d better cut down a little then
Smoketoomuch: I’m sorry?
Bounder: You’d better cut down a little then
Smoketoomuch: Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I’d better
Cut down a little then!
Bounder: Yes, ha ha… I expect you get people making
Jokes about your name all the time, eh?
Smoketoomuch: No, I never noticed it before
Bounder: So, you are interested in one of our adventure
Holidays, are you?
Smoketoomuch: Yes, I saw your advert in the bolour
Supplement
Bounder: The what?
Smoketoomuch: The bolour supplement
Bounder: The colour supplement
Smoketoomuch: Yes, I’m sorry, I can’t say the letter
Bounder: C?
Smoketoomuch: Yes, that’s right. It’s all due to a
Trauma I suffered when I was a sboolboy. I was attacked
By a bat
Bounder: A cat?
Smoketoomuch: No, a bat
Bounder: Oh… can you say the letter 'K'?
Smoketoomuch: Oh, yes. Khaki, kind, kettle, Kipling
Kipper, Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford
Bounder: Yes, yes but why don’t you use the letter 'K'
Instead of the letter 'C'?
Smoketoomuch: What, spell bolour with a 'K'?
Bounder: Yes!
Smoketoomuch: Kolour!
Oh, thank you! I never thought of that. What a silly
Bunt
Bounder: Anyway, about the holiday…
Smoketoomuch: Well, yes, I’ve been on package tours
Many times, so your advert really bought my eye
Bounder: Ah good
Smoketoomuch: Yes, you’re quite right, I’m fed up with
Being treated like a sheep, I mean what’s the point of
Going abroad if you’re just another tourist carted
Round in buses, surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs
From Kettering and Boventry…
Bounder: Absolutel.
Smoketoomuch: …in their cloth caps and their
Cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday
Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don’t
Make it properly here do they not like at home'
Stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips
And Watney’s Red Barrel and calamares and two veg…
Bounder: Yes
Smoketoomuch: …and sitting in their cotton sun frocks
Squirting Timothy White’s suncream all over their puffy
Raw swollen purulent flesh…
Bounder: Yes
Smoketoomuch: …cos they 'overdid it on the first
Day'! And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and
Bellevueses and Bontinentals…
Bounder: Yes, yes…
Smoketoomuch: …with their modern international luxury
Roomettes and draft Red Barrel and swimmingpools…
Bounder: Yes
Smoketoomuch: …full of fat German businessmen
Pretending they’re acrobats, forming pyramids and
Frightening the children and barging in the queues and
If you’re not at your table spot on seven you miss the
Bowl of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup,…
Bounder: Shut up
Smoketoomuch: …the first item on the menu of
International Cuisine,…
Bounder: Shut up, please!
Smoketoomuch: …and every Thursday night the hotel is
A bloody cabaret in the bar featuring a tiny emaciated
Dago…
Bounder: Please, will you shut up
Smoketoomuch: …with nine-inch hips and some bloated
Fat tart with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big arse
Presenting Flamenco for Foreigners
Bounder: Shut up!
Smoketoomuch: And adenoidal typists from Birmingham
With flabby white legs and diarrhoea trying to pick up
Hairy…
Bounder: Please.
Smoketoomuch: …bandy-legged wop waiters called
Manuel,…
Bounder: .shut up!
Smoketoomuch: …and once a week there’s an excursion
To the local Roman ruins to buy cherryade and melted
Ice cream…
Bounder: I can’t bear it!
Smoketoomuch: …and bleedin' Watney’s Red Barrel, and
One evening you visit the so-called typical restaurant
With local colour…
Bounder: Shaddap!
Smoketoomuch: …and atmosphere and you sit next to a
Party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing
'Torremolinos, Torremolinos', and complaining about the
Food, 'It's so greasy here isn’t it!' and you get
Cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an
Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and Tuesday’s 'Daily
Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr
Smith should be running this country and how many…
Bounder: Stop it, please
Smoketoomuch: …languages Enoch Powell can speak and
Then he throws up all over the Cuba Libres
Bounder: Will you be quiet please
Smoketoomuch: And sending tinted postcards of places
They don’t realise they haven’t even visited, 'to
All…
Bounder: Shut up
Smoketoomuch: …at number 22, weather wonderful…
Bounder: PLEASE, SHUT UP!
Smoketoomuch: …our room is marked with an «X». Food
Very greasy but we found a charming…
Bounder: Take it off! TAKE IT OFF!
Smoketoomuch: …little place hidden away in the back
Streets, where they serve Watney’s Red Barrel and
Cheese and onion…
Bounder: For God’s sake, take it off. TAKE IT OFF!!!
Smoketoomuch: …crisps and the accordionist plays
«Maybe its because I’m a Londoner"'…
(Sound of pick-up skating across record)